[ It's after Akira has taken some time to make a final round of checking on everyone, he sneaks away to have a moment to himself...
Just to... breathe.
It's after he's sure he's gathered enough composure, he begins heading up to the bedrooms. On the way, he's sending a message to The Coffee: ]
Hey... Mind meeting me in my room?
[ It's most likely that he'll already be in there by the time Goro has a chance to reply. He leaves his door cracked and heads over to lie down on his bed, feet planted on the floor.
He's... not sure how he feels about what might come after what he's gonna be asking about... ]
[This is where he mutters something very counter to his polite image under his breath. It's probably about that subject he's been deflecting from...and he still hasn't figured out a good excuse. And after that discussion during the trial...it's a good thing he's made it to an empty area, since the nervous laugh he gives isn't entirely steady.]
I guess I couldn't put it off forever, huh? Alright. I'm almost there.
This is already giving him a... pretty bad feeling down his spine. Considering the way Goro acted during the trial, when Akira had mentioned his thoughts on people being threatened into murder...
The scars he didn't want to talk about...
His own father is threatening him...
And why would Goro be putting something off...? Does it mean he was actually... afraid of what the outcome would be...? ]
[He'll wait to see if he hears 'I'm not angry' after he does tell him the truth. There's no answer to the text for a couple minutes, at which point Goro steps into the room with a sigh.]
I knew you were bright, Akira-kun. I take it this is about the questions I've been avoiding until now?
[ He slowly sits up, eyes resting on the detective for a moment before he stands and moves over to close the door. He actually stands there, staring at that door for a couple of seconds.
It's after that pause, he turns and walks back over to the bed. ]
Sit down...
[ It's another couple of seconds before he shakes his head. ]
... And, yeah. That's part of it.
[ Gaze lifting, he lets his eyes rest on Goro for a moment. His voice remains calm... steady... ]
During the trial, you seemed different after I brought up that the person was maybe threatened into helping...
[ He twists a strand of his bangs. ]
I could be wrong about why, but you did say your father's threatening you. Add all that to how you won't talk about the scars, and...
[ ... well.
His gaze lowers, his brow tensing. After a short pause, he looks up, trying to meet the detective's eyes. ]
[He can try, but Goro won't meet his eyes. Instead he slowly moves to sit down on the bed, putting a solid foot of distance between them. He can't bring himself to sit any closer, not with everything he's about to say.]
...You do deserve to know. I...you're probably going to hate me after this.
[His head falls to his hand and he gives what Akira might recognize from Yusuke as a nervous chuckle, the kind of laugh someone gives when they think they might cry if they don't.]
What I'm not telling you...where should I start? With the reason for those scars, or what exactly Shido is forcing me to do? Then again, you're smart...you might figure one out from the other.
There's a moment where he simply holds a blink, breaths evening out entirely before he uses that same tone as before. ]
Before you say anything, let me make something clear.
[ He wants to reach out, wants to firmly take Goro's upper arms into his hands, look him right in the eyes to emphasize that. He wouldn't hate him, no matter what. Because it's already been made clear -- just as it had been made clear by Croix-san. There's guilt here. There's a whole lot of that to go right along with some very specific wording. These things are already starting to work some of this picture into something a little less confusing: Shido is forcing him.
If that's... the case...
He focuses on keeping his voice calm and steady, focuses on keeping his hands relaxed against his knees. ]
[Wherever he wants, huh? Then he might as well get the worst of it over with. His nervous laughter settles, leaving him looking just plain exhausted and depressed.]
...I'm the one causing the mental shutdowns. My targets are...people whose deaths or permanent incapacitation would benefit Shido or his conspirators. The rampage incidents are because of me, too.
I'm sure with that much, you can figure out what caused those scars?
Well, to say it's what he expected to hear... would be a lie. It's actually far worse, and his entire body tenses. His hands curl into fists, gaze dropping to the floor as his jawline tightens. His next exhale is tense... He caused the mental shutdowns?? ]
... Futaba's mom?
[ It's... firmer than he'd intended. Yet, he's sure he already knows the answer. His heart is racing more and more, his thoughts seemingly fighting to keep up with it. But, he's loosening those fists, slowing his breaths, working to relax his muscles. ]
[Hearing Wakaba Isshiki referred to, even if not by name, causes him to flinch. His stomach churns in the familiar sensation of guilt, leaving him to reflexively cover his mouth with his hand. After a second to be sure he's not going to be sick, he nods shakily.]
The...first of my victims. Shido wanted her research notes on Cognitive Psience, and she refused...so he sent me, both to get her out of the way of stealing her research, and to prevent her from using it against him.
[ He caught that flinch within his peripheral vision. There are so many conflicting emotions flowing through him, and he doesn't even begin to know where to begin sorting them out. His next breath out is just a little heavier than the last.
His gaze is firmly resting on the floor, eyes narrowed in thought. ]
So, you've been a Persona user for a while, then...
[ His lips draw together tightly for a moment, and then he shifts his gaze to rest on the older teen. There's no anger, definitely no hatred, but... there's something there that does make it clear he's far from happy about anything he's learned... ]
Three years, give or take. The scars are from my earlier forays into the Metaverse. My Personas have never had any sort of healing spells, so I had to deal with injuries normally until I figured out other methods of healing myself.
The only other thing I haven't told you...is my actual motive for meeting Shido. He destroyed my mother's life, but he already had enough power by then that there was nothing an ordinary kid could do against him. But with access to the Metaverse...I could become valuable to him. The kinds of information you find out from a person's Shadow can expose all kinds of secrets, and a temporary loss of self-control can manufacture scandal where there wasn't any before. I decided to help him sabotage his competitors' reputations. I would become invaluable to him, and then, when he acknowledged my importance, tell him just who I really am and destroy everything he's built. That way, he gets to feel the same sense of humiliation and despair as the people he's used and thrown away when they outlive that usefulness.
The next bit of information has his expression tensing all over again, even if he manages to keep his body as relaxed as he'd managed to will it into being. There's a hard swallow before he briefly holds a blink, nodding... more to himself than Goro.
So, then... if that's everything... ]
Thank you for telling me.
[ For being... honest, really. He can't actually imagine how difficult that could have been to admit. None of it was... pleasant to listen to, but... it's out there. There's a chance to do something with that information. To... help Goro escape those clutches? ]
Did you ever consider changing his heart?
[ Could he have ever considered it? Akira would have never learned without Morgana's help... Now that he thinks about it, where would he have been without that guidance? Where would he be now? Being handed that kind of power -- the ability to fight against those cognitive forms? Where... the hell would he and Ryuji have wound up? That isn't even something he can imagine...
No. The only way I can influence people through the Metaverse is temporarily releasing the bonds of their hearts. I didn't even know something like what you do is possible, until your targets started confessing to their crimes.
[He laughs, again stressed and not entirely stable.]
If I had known, maybe...hah, but that doesn't matter at this point. Knowing there might have been another way to make him understand the suffering he's caused and feel maybe even a fraction of it won't change what I've already done to stay useful to him.
Clearly guilt-ridden -- just like Croix-san, only... possibly even more of a mess than her?
While he can't say he can just up and forget about all the crimes Goro's committed, he can't just leave him in this state. He can't just tell him to leave. There's a soft exhale, and then he reaches out, hand moving to gently rest against the older teen's. Or against his leg. He isn't going to let the detective avoid his touch, nor is he going to just leave it at this. ]
... Goro.
[ Regardless of his feelings towards the crimes, he can't disregard the... other feelings. He can't just toss those things aside, and he can't deny that every fiber in his being wants to help him. Besides... the only one he's close to actually hating right now? Is Shido.
... And he's going to start with calming Goro down.
So, he's going to quietly speak, voice calm, soft... ]
I'm not happy with what you've done... [ It's... blunt. He isn't going to lie. ] ... but I don't hate you.
[ There's a pause. ]
... There's nothing we can do about Shido from here, but I won't leave you to deal with him on your own. I want to help you. As your leader...
[ ...... ]
... and as your boyfriend.
[ To keep that... clear. For one, he's too damn stubborn for his own good... and... well. ]
[His hand does flinch away, but he doesn't move from the touch to his leg. Akira might notice that he's incredibly tense, to the point of subtly shaking. That is, until Akira brings up their relationship...as if it's still relevant, and he goes completely still, save for turning to look at his junior Persona user with an expression somewhere between shock and confusion.]
Help me...? Ha...what good will that do at this point? Helping me deal with Shido won't save my victims. All I can do now is take personal responsibility for making sure their deaths don't go to waste.
[Not that it stops him from covering Akira's hand with his own. He finally scoots over to close the distance between them, so he can rest his head on his lover's shoulder.]
[ Those words and that hand -- that combination has Akira's entire body relaxing, almost instantly. He doesn't hesitate to slowly let his hand lower, and then move back to rest against the side of Goro's head.
A tired smile surfaces as he combs his fingers through the detective's hair.
This is okay for now -- they're tired, they're coming down from some strong emotions... and... he can't deny that strong desire to comfort that lurks there. Guess... it's another part of those missing memories, combined with the bond, combined with... the obvious feelings that remain. ]
You deserve good things, you know...
[ There's a pause, and then he moves away just enough to begin tugging Goro into lying down with him. ]
I'm not sure how many others would agree with that, if they knew everything I've just told you...
[But for all his doubts, he can't deny that it's been a long day. He follows Akira's tugging to lay down, wrapping an arm tightly around Akira. He might be clinging a little bit, but he doesn't really care right now if he seems desperate.]
I am sorry I kept the truth from you. It was selfish of me, but I didn't want to risk destroying our bond.
While he does want to reassure Goro, he isn't going to speak for anyone else. Not to mention... he really doesn't have a clue, either.
Instead, he lets a hand return to the detective's head, fingers combing through his hair as he remains silent for a moment. ]
... I'm not exactly better than you, when it comes to keeping things to myself.
[ He quietly exhales. Heh... maybe it's his turn to finally, really open up just a little... ]
Wanna know a secret about me...?
[ His arms are wrapped around Goro firmly, mouth moving to momentarily press against the detective's forehead. ]
... I'm terrified.
[ A quiet laugh slips free within his next exhale. ]
When I'm fighting alongside my team... my friends... they're constantly diving in front of deadly blows meant for me. When I see them on the brinks of death... or... worse, see them lying there, not moving...
[ A quiet, bitter sound can be heard. ]
I get kind of pissed -- at myself, thinking if I'd just been stronger... it never would have happened. I become that much more determined to be this source of strength for people.
[ He swallows hard. ]
That's why... it hit me so hard. [ He forces his breaths to remain steady. ] Being here... feeling trapped... weak...
[ He's listing those words off, a bit of bitterness lacing the last one. ]
I hate feeling this way.
[ A quiet chuckle -- it's wry. ]
But, more than anything, right now...
[ One hand briefly clenches into a fist against Goro's back. ]
I'm afraid of losing more people... especially you. I'm afraid of not being able to save anyone here. That scares me way more than the thought of dying. And, if it came down to it...
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timeasmymeasure
text | week one | after post-trial cat cafe gathering
Date: 2017-12-04 05:21 am (UTC)Just to... breathe.
It's after he's sure he's gathered enough composure, he begins heading up to the bedrooms. On the way, he's sending a message to The Coffee: ]
Hey...
Mind meeting me in my room?
[ It's most likely that he'll already be in there by the time Goro has a chance to reply. He leaves his door cracked and heads over to lie down on his bed, feet planted on the floor.
He's... not sure how he feels about what might come after what he's gonna be asking about... ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 05:58 am (UTC)Alright. Is there anything you'd like me to bring?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:27 am (UTC)He feels... kind of bad. It's probably already an awful misunderstanding to have in this kind of situation. ]
Just yourself.
I guess it's my turn to invite you over to talk about something serious.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:33 am (UTC)Is everything alright?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:47 am (UTC)I just have something I need to ask you about in private.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 07:14 am (UTC)I guess I couldn't put it off forever, huh?
Alright. I'm almost there.
hooooo boy time for some heavy spoilers incoming
Date: 2017-12-04 02:15 pm (UTC)This is already giving him a... pretty bad feeling down his spine. Considering the way Goro acted during the trial, when Akira had mentioned his thoughts on people being threatened into murder...
The scars he didn't want to talk about...
His own father is threatening him...
And why would Goro be putting something off...? Does it mean he was actually... afraid of what the outcome would be...? ]
I'll see you soon, then.
I'm not angry, Goro.
Just tell me the truth.
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Date: 2017-12-04 05:38 pm (UTC)I knew you were bright, Akira-kun. I take it this is about the questions I've been avoiding until now?
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Date: 2017-12-04 06:05 pm (UTC)It's after that pause, he turns and walks back over to the bed. ]
Sit down...
[ It's another couple of seconds before he shakes his head. ]
... And, yeah. That's part of it.
[ Gaze lifting, he lets his eyes rest on Goro for a moment. His voice remains calm... steady... ]
During the trial, you seemed different after I brought up that the person was maybe threatened into helping...
[ He twists a strand of his bangs. ]
I could be wrong about why, but you did say your father's threatening you. Add all that to how you won't talk about the scars, and...
[ ... well.
His gaze lowers, his brow tensing. After a short pause, he looks up, trying to meet the detective's eyes. ]
What aren't you telling me, Goro?
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Date: 2017-12-04 06:11 pm (UTC)...You do deserve to know. I...you're probably going to hate me after this.
[His head falls to his hand and he gives what Akira might recognize from Yusuke as a nervous chuckle, the kind of laugh someone gives when they think they might cry if they don't.]
What I'm not telling you...where should I start? With the reason for those scars, or what exactly Shido is forcing me to do? Then again, you're smart...you might figure one out from the other.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:36 pm (UTC)... probably going to hate me after this.
There's a moment where he simply holds a blink, breaths evening out entirely before he uses that same tone as before. ]
Before you say anything, let me make something clear.
[ He wants to reach out, wants to firmly take Goro's upper arms into his hands, look him right in the eyes to emphasize that. He wouldn't hate him, no matter what. Because it's already been made clear -- just as it had been made clear by Croix-san. There's guilt here. There's a whole lot of that to go right along with some very specific wording. These things are already starting to work some of this picture into something a little less confusing: Shido is forcing him.
If that's... the case...
He focuses on keeping his voice calm and steady, focuses on keeping his hands relaxed against his knees. ]
Start wherever you want.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 01:21 am (UTC)...I'm the one causing the mental shutdowns. My targets are...people whose deaths or permanent incapacitation would benefit Shido or his conspirators. The rampage incidents are because of me, too.
I'm sure with that much, you can figure out what caused those scars?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 01:38 am (UTC)Well, to say it's what he expected to hear... would be a lie. It's actually far worse, and his entire body tenses. His hands curl into fists, gaze dropping to the floor as his jawline tightens. His next exhale is tense... He caused the mental shutdowns?? ]
... Futaba's mom?
[ It's... firmer than he'd intended. Yet, he's sure he already knows the answer. His heart is racing more and more, his thoughts seemingly fighting to keep up with it. But, he's loosening those fists, slowing his breaths, working to relax his muscles. ]
CW: emetephobia mention
Date: 2017-12-05 01:45 am (UTC)The...first of my victims. Shido wanted her research notes on Cognitive Psience, and she refused...so he sent me, both to get her out of the way of stealing her research, and to prevent her from using it against him.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 02:10 am (UTC)His gaze is firmly resting on the floor, eyes narrowed in thought. ]
So, you've been a Persona user for a while, then...
[ His lips draw together tightly for a moment, and then he shifts his gaze to rest on the older teen. There's no anger, definitely no hatred, but... there's something there that does make it clear he's far from happy about anything he's learned... ]
Is there anything else you haven't told me?
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Date: 2017-12-05 02:47 am (UTC)The only other thing I haven't told you...is my actual motive for meeting Shido. He destroyed my mother's life, but he already had enough power by then that there was nothing an ordinary kid could do against him. But with access to the Metaverse...I could become valuable to him. The kinds of information you find out from a person's Shadow can expose all kinds of secrets, and a temporary loss of self-control can manufacture scandal where there wasn't any before. I decided to help him sabotage his competitors' reputations. I would become invaluable to him, and then, when he acknowledged my importance, tell him just who I really am and destroy everything he's built. That way, he gets to feel the same sense of humiliation and despair as the people he's used and thrown away when they outlive that usefulness.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 03:04 am (UTC)The next bit of information has his expression tensing all over again, even if he manages to keep his body as relaxed as he'd managed to will it into being. There's a hard swallow before he briefly holds a blink, nodding... more to himself than Goro.
So, then... if that's everything... ]
Thank you for telling me.
[ For being... honest, really. He can't actually imagine how difficult that could have been to admit. None of it was... pleasant to listen to, but... it's out there. There's a chance to do something with that information. To... help Goro escape those clutches? ]
Did you ever consider changing his heart?
[ Could he have ever considered it? Akira would have never learned without Morgana's help... Now that he thinks about it, where would he have been without that guidance? Where would he be now? Being handed that kind of power -- the ability to fight against those cognitive forms? Where... the hell would he and Ryuji have wound up? That isn't even something he can imagine...
... ]
Did you even know about that?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 03:13 am (UTC)[He laughs, again stressed and not entirely stable.]
If I had known, maybe...hah, but that doesn't matter at this point. Knowing there might have been another way to make him understand the suffering he's caused and feel maybe even a fraction of it won't change what I've already done to stay useful to him.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 03:58 am (UTC)He's clearly a nervous wreck...
Clearly guilt-ridden -- just like Croix-san, only... possibly even more of a mess than her?
While he can't say he can just up and forget about all the crimes Goro's committed, he can't just leave him in this state. He can't just tell him to leave. There's a soft exhale, and then he reaches out, hand moving to gently rest against the older teen's. Or against his leg. He isn't going to let the detective avoid his touch, nor is he going to just leave it at this. ]
... Goro.
[ Regardless of his feelings towards the crimes, he can't disregard the... other feelings. He can't just toss those things aside, and he can't deny that every fiber in his being wants to help him. Besides... the only one he's close to actually hating right now? Is Shido.
... And he's going to start with calming Goro down.
So, he's going to quietly speak, voice calm, soft... ]
I'm not happy with what you've done... [ It's... blunt. He isn't going to lie. ] ... but I don't hate you.
[ There's a pause. ]
... There's nothing we can do about Shido from here, but I won't leave you to deal with him on your own. I want to help you. As your leader...
[ ...... ]
... and as your boyfriend.
[ To keep that... clear. For one, he's too damn stubborn for his own good... and... well. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 04:57 am (UTC)Help me...? Ha...what good will that do at this point? Helping me deal with Shido won't save my victims. All I can do now is take personal responsibility for making sure their deaths don't go to waste.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 06:23 am (UTC)A lot of things have been brought to light, and Goro does deserve to have a moment to recover... ]
You're not alone anymore.
[ His hand curls to grip the leg beneath it, gently squeezing it as a sort of emphasis. ]
I'm not giving up on you.
[ His expression is serious as he says that. ]
For now... [ He lifts his hand to rest it against Goro's upper arm. ] ... let's lie down.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 06:37 am (UTC)[Not that it stops him from covering Akira's hand with his own. He finally scoots over to close the distance between them, so he can rest his head on his lover's shoulder.]
But I'm glad I have you.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 07:27 am (UTC)A tired smile surfaces as he combs his fingers through the detective's hair.
This is okay for now -- they're tired, they're coming down from some strong emotions... and... he can't deny that strong desire to comfort that lurks there. Guess... it's another part of those missing memories, combined with the bond, combined with... the obvious feelings that remain. ]
You deserve good things, you know...
[ There's a pause, and then he moves away just enough to begin tugging Goro into lying down with him. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 08:05 am (UTC)[But for all his doubts, he can't deny that it's been a long day. He follows Akira's tugging to lay down, wrapping an arm tightly around Akira. He might be clinging a little bit, but he doesn't really care right now if he seems desperate.]
I am sorry I kept the truth from you. It was selfish of me, but I didn't want to risk destroying our bond.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 08:37 am (UTC)While he does want to reassure Goro, he isn't going to speak for anyone else. Not to mention... he really doesn't have a clue, either.
Instead, he lets a hand return to the detective's head, fingers combing through his hair as he remains silent for a moment. ]
... I'm not exactly better than you, when it comes to keeping things to myself.
[ He quietly exhales. Heh... maybe it's his turn to finally, really open up just a little... ]
Wanna know a secret about me...?
[ His arms are wrapped around Goro firmly, mouth moving to momentarily press against the detective's forehead. ]
... I'm terrified.
[ A quiet laugh slips free within his next exhale. ]
When I'm fighting alongside my team... my friends... they're constantly diving in front of deadly blows meant for me. When I see them on the brinks of death... or... worse, see them lying there, not moving...
[ A quiet, bitter sound can be heard. ]
I get kind of pissed -- at myself, thinking if I'd just been stronger... it never would have happened. I become that much more determined to be this source of strength for people.
[ He swallows hard. ]
That's why... it hit me so hard. [ He forces his breaths to remain steady. ] Being here... feeling trapped... weak...
[ He's listing those words off, a bit of bitterness lacing the last one. ]
I hate feeling this way.
[ A quiet chuckle -- it's wry. ]
But, more than anything, right now...
[ One hand briefly clenches into a fist against Goro's back. ]
I'm afraid of losing more people... especially you. I'm afraid of not being able to save anyone here. That scares me way more than the thought of dying. And, if it came down to it...
[ ... ]
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