The next bit of information has his expression tensing all over again, even if he manages to keep his body as relaxed as he'd managed to will it into being. There's a hard swallow before he briefly holds a blink, nodding... more to himself than Goro.
So, then... if that's everything... ]
Thank you for telling me.
[ For being... honest, really. He can't actually imagine how difficult that could have been to admit. None of it was... pleasant to listen to, but... it's out there. There's a chance to do something with that information. To... help Goro escape those clutches? ]
Did you ever consider changing his heart?
[ Could he have ever considered it? Akira would have never learned without Morgana's help... Now that he thinks about it, where would he have been without that guidance? Where would he be now? Being handed that kind of power -- the ability to fight against those cognitive forms? Where... the hell would he and Ryuji have wound up? That isn't even something he can imagine...
No. The only way I can influence people through the Metaverse is temporarily releasing the bonds of their hearts. I didn't even know something like what you do is possible, until your targets started confessing to their crimes.
[He laughs, again stressed and not entirely stable.]
If I had known, maybe...hah, but that doesn't matter at this point. Knowing there might have been another way to make him understand the suffering he's caused and feel maybe even a fraction of it won't change what I've already done to stay useful to him.
Clearly guilt-ridden -- just like Croix-san, only... possibly even more of a mess than her?
While he can't say he can just up and forget about all the crimes Goro's committed, he can't just leave him in this state. He can't just tell him to leave. There's a soft exhale, and then he reaches out, hand moving to gently rest against the older teen's. Or against his leg. He isn't going to let the detective avoid his touch, nor is he going to just leave it at this. ]
... Goro.
[ Regardless of his feelings towards the crimes, he can't disregard the... other feelings. He can't just toss those things aside, and he can't deny that every fiber in his being wants to help him. Besides... the only one he's close to actually hating right now? Is Shido.
... And he's going to start with calming Goro down.
So, he's going to quietly speak, voice calm, soft... ]
I'm not happy with what you've done... [ It's... blunt. He isn't going to lie. ] ... but I don't hate you.
[ There's a pause. ]
... There's nothing we can do about Shido from here, but I won't leave you to deal with him on your own. I want to help you. As your leader...
[ ...... ]
... and as your boyfriend.
[ To keep that... clear. For one, he's too damn stubborn for his own good... and... well. ]
[His hand does flinch away, but he doesn't move from the touch to his leg. Akira might notice that he's incredibly tense, to the point of subtly shaking. That is, until Akira brings up their relationship...as if it's still relevant, and he goes completely still, save for turning to look at his junior Persona user with an expression somewhere between shock and confusion.]
Help me...? Ha...what good will that do at this point? Helping me deal with Shido won't save my victims. All I can do now is take personal responsibility for making sure their deaths don't go to waste.
[Not that it stops him from covering Akira's hand with his own. He finally scoots over to close the distance between them, so he can rest his head on his lover's shoulder.]
[ Those words and that hand -- that combination has Akira's entire body relaxing, almost instantly. He doesn't hesitate to slowly let his hand lower, and then move back to rest against the side of Goro's head.
A tired smile surfaces as he combs his fingers through the detective's hair.
This is okay for now -- they're tired, they're coming down from some strong emotions... and... he can't deny that strong desire to comfort that lurks there. Guess... it's another part of those missing memories, combined with the bond, combined with... the obvious feelings that remain. ]
You deserve good things, you know...
[ There's a pause, and then he moves away just enough to begin tugging Goro into lying down with him. ]
I'm not sure how many others would agree with that, if they knew everything I've just told you...
[But for all his doubts, he can't deny that it's been a long day. He follows Akira's tugging to lay down, wrapping an arm tightly around Akira. He might be clinging a little bit, but he doesn't really care right now if he seems desperate.]
I am sorry I kept the truth from you. It was selfish of me, but I didn't want to risk destroying our bond.
While he does want to reassure Goro, he isn't going to speak for anyone else. Not to mention... he really doesn't have a clue, either.
Instead, he lets a hand return to the detective's head, fingers combing through his hair as he remains silent for a moment. ]
... I'm not exactly better than you, when it comes to keeping things to myself.
[ He quietly exhales. Heh... maybe it's his turn to finally, really open up just a little... ]
Wanna know a secret about me...?
[ His arms are wrapped around Goro firmly, mouth moving to momentarily press against the detective's forehead. ]
... I'm terrified.
[ A quiet laugh slips free within his next exhale. ]
When I'm fighting alongside my team... my friends... they're constantly diving in front of deadly blows meant for me. When I see them on the brinks of death... or... worse, see them lying there, not moving...
[ A quiet, bitter sound can be heard. ]
I get kind of pissed -- at myself, thinking if I'd just been stronger... it never would have happened. I become that much more determined to be this source of strength for people.
[ He swallows hard. ]
That's why... it hit me so hard. [ He forces his breaths to remain steady. ] Being here... feeling trapped... weak...
[ He's listing those words off, a bit of bitterness lacing the last one. ]
I hate feeling this way.
[ A quiet chuckle -- it's wry. ]
But, more than anything, right now...
[ One hand briefly clenches into a fist against Goro's back. ]
I'm afraid of losing more people... especially you. I'm afraid of not being able to save anyone here. That scares me way more than the thought of dying. And, if it came down to it...
It sounds like you're just that important to them. I know I would hate to see you seriously injured, and would do everything in my power to prevent it.
[A pause.]
Of course, that would be simpler if I could use my Personas. Loki has both Tetrakarn and Makarakarn. But since I can't, I guess I'll just have to protect you in more mundane ways.
[He runs a gloved hand through Akira's hair, then lets it trail down his neck and back.]
We won't let everyone here die. We're the devastating Akechi-Kurusu team, remember?
[ Hearing those initial words are both comforting and somehow frustrating. It's one thing to know that his friends -- people he cares so damn much about -- would do this... But, this particular thing is different. It brings a new kind of frustration, knowing his own boyfriend could get hurt doing the same thing, or even something similar.
The gloved hand sliding down his neck earns a brief shiver, but he focuses on the conversation for now. And that last part manages to catch him off-guard. (It feels like he said that so long ago.)
Akira's laugh slips through those cracks within the grim air surrounding him. He isn't able to reel it in before it manages to turn into something almost relieved, in spite of the underlying sounds -- worry, fear, regret...
It's short-lived, and it really doesn't do much for the feelings that still linger from everything they've endured. But it does do something for it. ]
... Thank you, Goro.
[ They'll get through this... and they will save as many people as they can. Everything that comes later, will be... dealt with then. ]
So... you're able to summon multiple Personas... [ a beat ] I thought I was the only one who could do that...
[Hearing Akira laugh is...relieving. He'd been dreading this conversation, terrified that it would mean an end to their short relationship, even ruin the friendship he'd worked so hard to build. But now...it doesn't feel so bad, to have the truth known. Akira is still here for him, still at ease around him. He hadn't even dared to hope things would turn out this well.
Then Akira brings up Personas, and a look of surprise flickers over his face.]
It's that unusual? I've never encountered another Persona user before you and the rest of the Phantom Thieves, so I hadn't thought much of it.
[ He's seen the good that does exist... and he thoroughly believes there's hope for Goro. It'll be a struggle, but it's one he's more than willing to fight alongside his boyfriend through. ]
Yeah.
[ He slides a hand through Goro's hair, leaning just enough that looking at him will be comfortable. ]
Morgana referred to me as a Wildcard. [ And... something else, but he can't... remember... ] Because I have the ability to negotiate with Shadows and obtain multiple Personas. I'm able to hold several within me and trade them out for new ones. That's the reason I was volunteered to be the leader.
[ He holds a blink. ]
Without Morgana... I don't think I would have learned any of those things.
[ How... did he really learn how to fully harness multiple Personas... ]
I can't remember all of the details on it, but I remember being able to regain the released Personas at will, and obtain some new ones without negotiating...
[ He sighs in resignation. ]
My initial Persona was named Arsene. What about yours?
I wouldn't necessarily say new. More along the lines of something I'd been feeling for a while reaching a tipping point.
[...Well, as long as he's being honest with Akira, he might as well...tell him what part of himself Loki comes from.]
You're very lucky, you know. For every Palace you enter, it seems like you make a new friend. You meet someone good to balance out everything twisted you just saw.
I wasn't so fortunate. Every Palace I saw was more evidence of our society's corruption, and I didn't see anything in the real world to counter my discoveries in the Metaverse. I...do still hold the pure desire for justice that led me to awaken to Robin Hood, but I guess you could say I've become more cynical. When that hatred for everything I'd seen represented in people's Shadows boiled over, that's when I heard Loki's voice for the first time.
[ It's not... a pleasant realization. In spite of how much he's always appreciated each person on his team, as well as the fact he was able to help save them, at all...
He's never... fully realized just how lucky he is to have them. It hadn't fully dawned on him until this very conversation. This very moment where it's actually sinking in. Being given powers beyond anything he's ever imagined... Holding that anger towards some of those power-hungry adults... Seeing just how corrupt people's hearts can become...
... He can't imagine himself ever killing, however... Goro Akechi himself likely hadn't been able to imagine killing anyone, years ago. So, after hearing those words, letting his own thoughts fully sink in... ]
... I can't say it never would have happened to me. [ His voice is just above a whisper. ] Before Ryuji and Morgana came into my life, I was angry...
[ There's a quiet exhale. ]
Granted, my anger really started after I wound up with a record...
[ A wry smirk tugs at his lips. ]
I was angry at being that guy everyone was whispering about in the hallways. At people being scared of me even though none of them knew the first thing about me. [ A quiet 'heh' slips out. ] And all because I tried to stop some drunk man from shoving a woman into the car...
[ The fingers of one hand brush through Goro's hair. ]
So... I don't think there's anything bad about winding up with two Personas from something like that. [ He manages a smile. ] It's actually kind of nice not being the only Wildcard...
[This is the first time he's heard the context behind Akira's assault conviction, and something about it rings familiar. It's not uncommon for him to have to distract his father from harassing women when he's drunk. But, he's sure there's a lot of other disgusting men out there who would do that.]
I'm glad I can give you that comfort, at least. Loki is rooted in a very dark part of my heart, so I don't make a habit of wearing his mask when I'm in public. His abilities are very useful, though. Especially since he has some powerful Almighty based attacks.
If I really am a member of the Phantom Thieves now, you already have. Granted, I was almost certainly holding back, since I doubt I was willing to admit to the depth of my experience in the Metaverse.
[He pulls closer to give Akira a kiss, albeit a brief one.]
Once we escape, I'll be sure to show you my full powers.
Hmm...speaking of which. I've been telling others I'm unfamiliar with the supernatural, but perhaps we ought to discuss how much we're willing to share about the truth.
I don't mind either. You were the only one here I expected to know the...significance of my own powers. I don't think letting them know will cause any problems for us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 03:04 am (UTC)The next bit of information has his expression tensing all over again, even if he manages to keep his body as relaxed as he'd managed to will it into being. There's a hard swallow before he briefly holds a blink, nodding... more to himself than Goro.
So, then... if that's everything... ]
Thank you for telling me.
[ For being... honest, really. He can't actually imagine how difficult that could have been to admit. None of it was... pleasant to listen to, but... it's out there. There's a chance to do something with that information. To... help Goro escape those clutches? ]
Did you ever consider changing his heart?
[ Could he have ever considered it? Akira would have never learned without Morgana's help... Now that he thinks about it, where would he have been without that guidance? Where would he be now? Being handed that kind of power -- the ability to fight against those cognitive forms? Where... the hell would he and Ryuji have wound up? That isn't even something he can imagine...
... ]
Did you even know about that?
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Date: 2017-12-05 03:13 am (UTC)[He laughs, again stressed and not entirely stable.]
If I had known, maybe...hah, but that doesn't matter at this point. Knowing there might have been another way to make him understand the suffering he's caused and feel maybe even a fraction of it won't change what I've already done to stay useful to him.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 03:58 am (UTC)He's clearly a nervous wreck...
Clearly guilt-ridden -- just like Croix-san, only... possibly even more of a mess than her?
While he can't say he can just up and forget about all the crimes Goro's committed, he can't just leave him in this state. He can't just tell him to leave. There's a soft exhale, and then he reaches out, hand moving to gently rest against the older teen's. Or against his leg. He isn't going to let the detective avoid his touch, nor is he going to just leave it at this. ]
... Goro.
[ Regardless of his feelings towards the crimes, he can't disregard the... other feelings. He can't just toss those things aside, and he can't deny that every fiber in his being wants to help him. Besides... the only one he's close to actually hating right now? Is Shido.
... And he's going to start with calming Goro down.
So, he's going to quietly speak, voice calm, soft... ]
I'm not happy with what you've done... [ It's... blunt. He isn't going to lie. ] ... but I don't hate you.
[ There's a pause. ]
... There's nothing we can do about Shido from here, but I won't leave you to deal with him on your own. I want to help you. As your leader...
[ ...... ]
... and as your boyfriend.
[ To keep that... clear. For one, he's too damn stubborn for his own good... and... well. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 04:57 am (UTC)Help me...? Ha...what good will that do at this point? Helping me deal with Shido won't save my victims. All I can do now is take personal responsibility for making sure their deaths don't go to waste.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 06:23 am (UTC)A lot of things have been brought to light, and Goro does deserve to have a moment to recover... ]
You're not alone anymore.
[ His hand curls to grip the leg beneath it, gently squeezing it as a sort of emphasis. ]
I'm not giving up on you.
[ His expression is serious as he says that. ]
For now... [ He lifts his hand to rest it against Goro's upper arm. ] ... let's lie down.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 06:37 am (UTC)[Not that it stops him from covering Akira's hand with his own. He finally scoots over to close the distance between them, so he can rest his head on his lover's shoulder.]
But I'm glad I have you.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 07:27 am (UTC)A tired smile surfaces as he combs his fingers through the detective's hair.
This is okay for now -- they're tired, they're coming down from some strong emotions... and... he can't deny that strong desire to comfort that lurks there. Guess... it's another part of those missing memories, combined with the bond, combined with... the obvious feelings that remain. ]
You deserve good things, you know...
[ There's a pause, and then he moves away just enough to begin tugging Goro into lying down with him. ]
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Date: 2017-12-05 08:05 am (UTC)[But for all his doubts, he can't deny that it's been a long day. He follows Akira's tugging to lay down, wrapping an arm tightly around Akira. He might be clinging a little bit, but he doesn't really care right now if he seems desperate.]
I am sorry I kept the truth from you. It was selfish of me, but I didn't want to risk destroying our bond.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 08:37 am (UTC)While he does want to reassure Goro, he isn't going to speak for anyone else. Not to mention... he really doesn't have a clue, either.
Instead, he lets a hand return to the detective's head, fingers combing through his hair as he remains silent for a moment. ]
... I'm not exactly better than you, when it comes to keeping things to myself.
[ He quietly exhales. Heh... maybe it's his turn to finally, really open up just a little... ]
Wanna know a secret about me...?
[ His arms are wrapped around Goro firmly, mouth moving to momentarily press against the detective's forehead. ]
... I'm terrified.
[ A quiet laugh slips free within his next exhale. ]
When I'm fighting alongside my team... my friends... they're constantly diving in front of deadly blows meant for me. When I see them on the brinks of death... or... worse, see them lying there, not moving...
[ A quiet, bitter sound can be heard. ]
I get kind of pissed -- at myself, thinking if I'd just been stronger... it never would have happened. I become that much more determined to be this source of strength for people.
[ He swallows hard. ]
That's why... it hit me so hard. [ He forces his breaths to remain steady. ] Being here... feeling trapped... weak...
[ He's listing those words off, a bit of bitterness lacing the last one. ]
I hate feeling this way.
[ A quiet chuckle -- it's wry. ]
But, more than anything, right now...
[ One hand briefly clenches into a fist against Goro's back. ]
I'm afraid of losing more people... especially you. I'm afraid of not being able to save anyone here. That scares me way more than the thought of dying. And, if it came down to it...
[ ... ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 09:15 am (UTC)[A pause.]
Of course, that would be simpler if I could use my Personas. Loki has both Tetrakarn and Makarakarn. But since I can't, I guess I'll just have to protect you in more mundane ways.
[He runs a gloved hand through Akira's hair, then lets it trail down his neck and back.]
We won't let everyone here die. We're the devastating Akechi-Kurusu team, remember?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 11:15 pm (UTC)The gloved hand sliding down his neck earns a brief shiver, but he focuses on the conversation for now. And that last part manages to catch him off-guard. (It feels like he said that so long ago.)
Akira's laugh slips through those cracks within the grim air surrounding him. He isn't able to reel it in before it manages to turn into something almost relieved, in spite of the underlying sounds -- worry, fear, regret...
It's short-lived, and it really doesn't do much for the feelings that still linger from everything they've endured. But it does do something for it. ]
... Thank you, Goro.
[ They'll get through this... and they will save as many people as they can. Everything that comes later, will be... dealt with then. ]
So... you're able to summon multiple Personas... [ a beat ] I thought I was the only one who could do that...
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 12:59 am (UTC)Then Akira brings up Personas, and a look of surprise flickers over his face.]
It's that unusual? I've never encountered another Persona user before you and the rest of the Phantom Thieves, so I hadn't thought much of it.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 08:38 am (UTC)Yeah.
[ He slides a hand through Goro's hair, leaning just enough that looking at him will be comfortable. ]
Morgana referred to me as a Wildcard. [ And... something else, but he can't... remember... ] Because I have the ability to negotiate with Shadows and obtain multiple Personas. I'm able to hold several within me and trade them out for new ones. That's the reason I was volunteered to be the leader.
[ He holds a blink. ]
Without Morgana... I don't think I would have learned any of those things.
[ How... did he really learn how to fully harness multiple Personas... ]
I can't remember all of the details on it, but I remember being able to regain the released Personas at will, and obtain some new ones without negotiating...
[ He sighs in resignation. ]
My initial Persona was named Arsene. What about yours?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 09:03 am (UTC)Robin Hood. I do still use him now and then, although Loki is more powerful.
I didn't know it was possible to turn Shadows into new Personas, though. Both of mine were born from my own emotions.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 10:27 am (UTC)[ A pause. ]
It's usually after they beg for their life. You can negotiate with them to get items and money, as well.
[ Pretty cool stuff, this whole talking with Shadows thing... ]
Your emotions...?
[ He... does remember some of his teammates getting an evolved Persona after his bond with them strengthened to a powerful degree... but... ]
Do you mean you acquired Loki after a surge of new emotions...?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 07:18 pm (UTC)[...Well, as long as he's being honest with Akira, he might as well...tell him what part of himself Loki comes from.]
You're very lucky, you know. For every Palace you enter, it seems like you make a new friend. You meet someone good to balance out everything twisted you just saw.
I wasn't so fortunate. Every Palace I saw was more evidence of our society's corruption, and I didn't see anything in the real world to counter my discoveries in the Metaverse. I...do still hold the pure desire for justice that led me to awaken to Robin Hood, but I guess you could say I've become more cynical. When that hatred for everything I'd seen represented in people's Shadows boiled over, that's when I heard Loki's voice for the first time.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-07 02:49 am (UTC)He's never... fully realized just how lucky he is to have them. It hadn't fully dawned on him until this very conversation. This very moment where it's actually sinking in. Being given powers beyond anything he's ever imagined... Holding that anger towards some of those power-hungry adults... Seeing just how corrupt people's hearts can become...
... He can't imagine himself ever killing, however... Goro Akechi himself likely hadn't been able to imagine killing anyone, years ago. So, after hearing those words, letting his own thoughts fully sink in... ]
... I can't say it never would have happened to me. [ His voice is just above a whisper. ] Before Ryuji and Morgana came into my life, I was angry...
[ There's a quiet exhale. ]
Granted, my anger really started after I wound up with a record...
[ A wry smirk tugs at his lips. ]
I was angry at being that guy everyone was whispering about in the hallways. At people being scared of me even though none of them knew the first thing about me. [ A quiet 'heh' slips out. ] And all because I tried to stop some drunk man from shoving a woman into the car...
[ The fingers of one hand brush through Goro's hair. ]
So... I don't think there's anything bad about winding up with two Personas from something like that. [ He manages a smile. ] It's actually kind of nice not being the only Wildcard...
no subject
Date: 2017-12-07 04:09 am (UTC)I'm glad I can give you that comfort, at least. Loki is rooted in a very dark part of my heart, so I don't make a habit of wearing his mask when I'm in public. His abilities are very useful, though. Especially since he has some powerful Almighty based attacks.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 12:23 am (UTC)[ He pauses as his fingers brush against the side of Goro's face, a thoughtful look resting on his own. ]
Whenever one of the other thieves' Personas evolved, it became stronger and gave them new skills...
[ There's a soft, fond expression. ]
And the Personas I got from a new Palace or deeper parts of Mementos were always stronger, and they always came with stronger abilities.
[ His fingers brush over Goro's cheek, one corner of his lips lifting. ]
Gotta admit... I'm kind of eager to see you in action.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 12:43 am (UTC)[He pulls closer to give Akira a kiss, albeit a brief one.]
Once we escape, I'll be sure to show you my full powers.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 03:46 am (UTC)Guess that's a fair point, but doesn't help if I can't remember it right now.
[ He feigns a huff-like, dramatic pout of sorts... but then it's cracking back into a smile as he nods. ]
Deal.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 10:33 pm (UTC)[ A thoughtful hum. ]
Maybe even world...
[ He's seen a lot of sci-fi movies?? ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 10:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-09 01:45 am (UTC)[ One of his hands is sliding forward a bit to idly twist Goro's hair as he leans to kiss his boyfriend's forehead. ]
Hm...
[ Since he's told him details on the assault charges, on how people looked at him... ]
You know... there's something else I've never told anyone...
[ He's sliding off his glasses. ]
... About how these were something I only started wearing after I switched schools.
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